I never had to worry about what I ate. I could enjoy anything, and my body would act as though I only fueled it with whatever was necessary and nothing more. Then…. I got married. The stress of marriage set in, the abuse started, the chaotic lifestyle of my in-laws took a toll on me. The family was dysfunctional to say the least. I was not used to “their way”. I started to lose my values and lose myself too. within one year I watched to scale rise, 135, 145, 155. I can remember the day I got on that scale and saw 1-5-5 and I thought that’s it, I give up. I didn’t step on the scale again, until one-year later. One year later I was at my gynecologist’s office and I stepped on the scale and almost fell off when the nurse got that scale to balance and it read 235 lbs. I was devastated, and that’s why I started to yo-yo diet. I tried weight watchers, Jenny Craig, Medifast, Slimfast, Atkins, counting fat grams, counting calories, you name it, I tried it. And, I watched my weight go from 235 to 195 and back up to 248. I watched my weight go up and down all the time, and each time I lost, as I gained those pounds they always seemed to multiply, and I would end up heavier than when I started. The lowest I would get to over the years was 190 lbs. The highest I weighed over the years was 282 lbs.
Towards the end of my marriage I had two children. I was overweight, I was unhappy in my marriage and I loved my kids and would get so frustrated with myself, because I wanted to play in the park with them and run with them, but I couldn’t. So, I set out to lose the weight for them, and, something happened.
In April I started pushing myself to eat right. I wanted to set an example for the boys. I started on Tax Day, April 15, 2007, and by August 1, 2007 I had lost 45 lbs. I was so happy. I loved the way I felt. I loved that I could do things with the boys and not feel exhausted, and so, I kept going. I joined Gold’s gym. Every day I did the same routine. I took my R to school and then T to pre-school. I would head to the park and walk around the enter park one time for a total of 1.25 miles (I started out only being able to go 1/8 of the park and slowly built from there). I then would get in my car, and drive to Gold’s gym. I would work out with free weights. I got to know people who were there, and they would help me to prefect my form. Personal trainers who were there would give me tips. I befriended one and she helped me tremendously. And as I kept pushing and going, something happened, the 100 lbs. I had gained 15 years earlier along with all its friends, was gone. That is right, in one-year I lost 100 lbs. I looked and felt great! I weighed 182 lbs. with all the working out, and running, that’s right… my walking turned into running through that park, and I loved every minute of it!
Through my journey of losing weight, I learned things I liked, things I missed. I gain a sense of belonging when I walked into that gym. I began to get strong both physically, emotionally, and mentally. And, my marriage quickly unraveled. He hated it as much as I loved it. I learned to love myself again, I learned who I was and who I had lost years before. He began to become more controlling than ever. And so, began, the beginning of the end of my marriage, the fight of my life was before me.
Through my divorce, I lost everything. Including myself… again. I had to give up taking care of myself, because his cousin who I worked for at the time let me go. I had to get a new job that was not flexible in time. Therefore, I could no longer be home with my children. I had to work in an office that added 1 hour to my commute one-way every day. I had to place my children in before and after care. I had to work to make the money to pay for my new place to live. Nothing that many of you don’t do daily, but as it was all new for me, it was a struggle. All of this was happening as my ex-husband was hell-bent on destroying my reputation and turning my young boys against me. I had to take care of the house, the bills, the boys, and fight with everyone and everything around me to listen to me, to help me, his attorney was relentless. She ripped me every chance she had, and in the end. I lost more weight. I was now down to 140 lbs. But not due to healthy eating or exercise. It was due to lack of sleep, stress, anxiety.
Eventually, I collapsed and ended up in the hospital.
I never got back to where I was mentally, emotionally, physically.
I now weight 190 lbs. I am not solid and built as I was in those days of being healthy. Nope. I am out of shape, bloated, my hair is falling out. I think about working out every day and long for the days of being in Gold’s gym where I felt a connection with people and learned how to take care of my family and me. Somewhere in all the struggles I have faced in the past ten-years I lost myself again. I once again, remember who I was and long for that person. I once again, look at the mirror and have no clue who it is that is looking back at me.
I am beginning my journey again.
Today, I will start to drink water. Give up the bad eating. That doesn’t mean I won’t have ice cream or potato chips. That means, I will eat healthy and treat myself to the ice cream and chips, but they will not be my “meal substitute” or my “go to snack” at night. When I get my eating in line, I will begin with my workouts again. I feel I can manage things in small increments with my schedule. I want to stay focused and get into one routine before overwhelming myself and placing pressure on myself to “have” to fit this or than into my day. On the non-snowy/icy days of winter I will get out and walk.
Monday, January 13, 2019 I weigh 194 pounds. I refuse to allow myself to get to the 195 mark or higher. I have worked too hard.
I am ready to find myself again… and as I do, I will keep you all informed on how I am doing, and how it is I am doing it.
For anyone who is ready to find themselves and wants to join in on my journey… feel free to leave a comment and we can do this together.
Keep Sparkling ~
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