How to Tell the Difference Between Settling and Being Comfortable and Being with A Narcissist Who Looks for Your Comfort to Make You Settle
Every relationship, starts out with happiness and butterflies. Eventually, those butterflies start to fade, and many times, when this happens couple’s breakup, or contemplate breaking up, because they mistake the comfort they now feel with being the end, since they no longer feel the fluttering they had been feeling. Like a new sofa, or leather shoes, the break in period doesn’t mean a break up when it gets comfortable.
That is unless, you are dealing with a narcissist. When you are dealing with a narcissist he or she will look for the comfort zone, because once you become comfortable they can let their guard down and begin their abuse.
You see, when you reach the comfortable stage of your relationship that usually means you are in a good place. You can be comfortable around each other and not feel like things are going to go crazy just because you don’t have your make-up on, or you are sick and crabby, on the other hand, some people mistake comfort for settling in a relationship.
The narcissist will use your comfort to get you to settle.
At first a narcissist uses a technique called “Love-bombing”. “Love-bombing” manipulates you. The narcissist will buy you over the top gifts or will talk about having a “future” with you and professes his or her love to you early on, because he or she has never met anyone like you, and he or she can see him or herself with you in a way they have never seen with anyone else. (Archer, 2017)[i]
Love-Bombing is a narcissists way to get you to let your guard down. Once he or she has gained your trust, and made you feel loved in a way you have never felt before, the daily, numerous, calls to see how you are throughout the day stop. The gifts and flowers you have grown accustomed to getting, stop. The attention he or she showered upon you, stops. And, when you begin to miss the attention, the feeling of love, the way you felt like you were a priority and important, you’re blamed. That’s right, it all stopped because you made it stop. The narcissist will have a way to turn the tables when you approach your feelings on how you miss his or her daily calls, the way you two would sit together and watch TV at night, or the fact that he or she doesn’t come home for dinner anymore. When you approach him or her about these issues, you will be blamed. In a calm, calculating, non-emotional way, you will be brushed off, and when you call him or her out on the behavior, you will be told you are over thinking things, you tend to be too emotional, or exaggerate. After the discussion is over, you will be second-guessing yourself; do I exaggerate? Am I being too sensitive? Do I expect too much? Am I asking for too much, he/she has been busy lately, maybe I need to lay off.
Soon after, the love bombing will begin again, not as heavy as before, but enough to calm your fears, and have you back off for a bit. Once again, when the comfort is back, all will stop. And the Gaslighting will begin.
Gaslighting is a form of abuse that Narcissist use to get you to self-doubt. When you bring up things that don’t seem right, your partner “will convince you, that what you believe is wrong”. Your partner will get you upset about something, then enlist self-doubt, and then blame you and give you the silent treatment. This will continue for days. Until you “come to your senses”, realize “you” were wrong, and apologize. When you are dealing with a narcissist you will find they are never wrong. They will turn and twist the truth until you feel like everything you have ever known to be true, is all a façade. They do this all in the name of “making you think and feel like you are crazy.”
However, when you catch on, and the narcissist is still in need of your supply to fill his or her ego, the narcissist will once again love bomb you and get you calm down. This is when you realize you are in love and you are “comfortable” with this person, and things are okay, because after all, “no relationship is perfect.” The truth is, these are the signs that you are settling.
When you are no longer able to think straight, you are settling if you stay. When you are no longer able to think of his or her actions without justifying what is being done to somehow rationalize the behavior, you are settling in your relationship.
No one should settle. Being comfortable is a nice place to be with someone, but not at your expense and sanity.
[i] Archer, MD, Dale, (2017) Why Love Bombing in a Relationship is so Devious. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reading-between-the-headlines/201703/why-love-bombing-in-relationship-is-so-devious