That seemed to be my motto after my divorce. I lost so much. I lost my home, I lost my life savings, my stock options, my security. I walked away without a pot, a pan, a spoon. I literally moved into my new apartment with my boys’ two beds (which my ex fought me for in court), my bed frame, he got the box spring and mattress, and our dressers. Towels, dishes, silverware, glasses, furniture, etc. I had to buy again.
If I could do things over again, I would do them much differently. One thing I learned, here in NJ, talk to every attorney you can think of that give’s free consultations, especially if you hear they are the type of attorney to drag the opponent through hell. I say this, because these are the attorney’s your ex (if they are not in agreement with you on getting the divorce) will go to and rack your bill up like there is no tomorrow. My divorce cost me … not us… just me $40,000+ dollars. And what did I get? Heartache, stress, sickness, a wrecked nervous system, a non-existent bank account.
I can look at it that way or I can look at it this way: I also got, my two boys, I was able to save them and although it has not been easy. I saved them from 24 hour/7 day a week yelling, controlling behavior, and narcissistic abuse. I saved their future wife’s and their future children from this type of learned behavior. I also gained myself. I lost myself in my marriage, I lost myself in my divorce, I was so busy trying to stay afloat to think about the next move that was being plotted against me, I couldn’t think anymore. and I lost what little bit I still had of me. However, in the end, I gained new friends through the new job I had to get due to his attorney pushing me to take on more hours to make more money! My ex thought his attorney was brilliant… the more money I made the less he would have to pay me. Or so he thought. The more money I made due to my new longer hours… cost him plenty more in the 50% child care bill he now owed. That bill was non-existent before this job. Oh well, be careful what you wish for. I also gained myself, by gaining my self-esteem back. I now worked full-time, provided for my family, did all I could for my boys… and we had a happy home each night.
Here are the things I learned while going through my divorce. As I stated before, talk to attorneys, because each one you talk to, your spouse cannot use. It would be a conflict. Before you file, make sure you set things up monetarily to ensure you will not lose all your money. I had all our money in joint accounts. I filed for divorce and the day he was advised I filed, he emptied the accounts without my knowledge. I learned this fact, when all our bills included the mortgage check I had recently mailed… bounced!
Negotiate your attorneys’ price. Everything is negotiable. If you can write a letter on your own do it rather than pay your attorney to do it and tell him or her up front you will do all your own writing and communication to save money. The letters, phone calls, emails, faxes, all add up quickly. Do not nit-pick everything and if you have a spouse who does, tell your attorney not to call you or tell you about anything unless it is going to affect you monetarily over a set amount. For every phone call my ex’s attorney made to mine, and in turn my attorney made to me ran up my bill. Do not agree to have motions written for smaller things that are needling you. Save motions for the big things, pensions, child care, alimony etc. Each motion the attorney writes is expensive and what makes it more expensive is the fact that you must take off work to show up for the hearing of that Motion each time one is written. And, many times the motion is adjourned. Therefore, the day off was all for naught.
when I ran out of money and how to represent myself in court… I learned Don’t do it! The Judges are biased. I never thought I would say that, but it’s true. One reason I feel this way is the judge will talk with the opposing attorney behind closed doors and tell you “you do not have access to the judge, because it is biased if he/she talks to you privately.”
As I went through my divorce I was broken. I was battered, I was intimidated by my ex. I feared him and never realized how much until that time. I was controlled by him, as were my children. I hadn’t any self-esteem, and his emotional abuse made me fear speaking up and had me second-guessing myself constantly. I would want to speak up but feared “I’d be in trouble.” Trouble?? With whom?? Him? The law? I was always in fear that one wrong move he would take my kids. He used our children to intimidate me. I know now, he would never had taken the boys. He didn’t want them, he only wanted to control them, to keep me under his control. He wanted to use them to get to me. When I learned this, I fought back. I turned the tables and offered the kids to him, he had a reason why he wanted them but couldn’t take them “at this time.” Right. Sure.
Later in our divorce, I took the boys with me one day and told him “if he was going to keep using them against me and pitting the against each other. I would have to give up my rights and he would HAVE to take them.” It was this day, he screamed at me, “I don’t want them!!! I don’t have time, I go out on the weekends, and I have a social life.” It was this day… I found myself, I found the strength to look him right in the eye and say, “then don’t you ever talk to them again against me. Don’t you ever use them against me again. Because the next time you do, I will be drawing up the papers.” Not only did I realize at this moment I found the “old me” the me I was when I first met him, but he realized it too… and never uttered a word against me that would cause harm between the boys and I again.
I gained a lot of knowledge through my divorce, I gained a lot of patience, and I also gained a stronger foundation in my faith, but the biggest thing I gained in my divorce was my self-esteem, I found the old me… I gained myself!
Keep Sparkling ~
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