There is an old saying, “people come into your life, for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.” I think people feel that those who come into it for a lifetime are the ultimate soulmate, but what if it doesn’t end that way? What if someone is in your life for a season, there was a reason, and although they will be in your life for a lifetime, it isn’t quite the same as finding your prince/princess and living the “Happily Ever After”?
Let me explain, I was married for 19 years, we were together for a total of 25, and we knew each other for a total of 27 years. Woah!! That’s a long time. It has now been 36 years since I first met him, 34 years since our first date, and 28 years since our wedding day. Yet, I never see him, or at least not on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. However, he is in my life every day.
I was married on October 6, 1990, I was 24. I was standing in the back of the church when my father looked over at me, smiled, and told me he loved me very much. He is said, “I love you, and if you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. The limo is right outside that door and we can walk out together. You can sit in that car, and I will come back in and let everyone know, today is not the day for this to happen. Then we can go with our family and friends who care to join and celebrate at Macaluso’s for a different reason.” I looked at my dad and smiled, I kissed his cheek and said, “I’m good Dad. I’m ready to do this.” And down the aisle we walked.
I should have listened to my dad, and I would learn this lesson many times in my life. However, this day, I didn’t listen. I did it my way, and things didn’t work out as I thought or hoped they would.
We struggled through the years, we fought, we bickered constantly, and yet, I believed he loved me. I never thought I was “in love with him”, but I knew I felt love for him, being young, I didn’t realize the difference.
After, many years of trying to conceive a child, and countless numbers of fertility treatments, I became pregnant. It was not a healthy pregnancy, another story for another time, but my husband was attentive at that time, and I appreciated him for this act of kindness. I lost those two babies that June (yet, another story for another time). Sadness turned to joy when I found out 6 months to the day later, on December 24th that was pregnant with no medical help.
My husband I literally bought the proverbial house on the hill, renovated it into our complete dream home, and we went on to have two small boys. And, two years later, everything fell apart. We fought every day, he was taking his anger out on our boys, yelling all the time, calling names. He chose to lash out more at our older son than our younger one. I saw my son shrinking, and I was growing more and more tired of my ex’s controlling behavior. I went from feeling I loved him, to tolerating him, to despising his every cell.
I learned what love was and what it was not. Love isn’t controlling someone. Love is not treating a person like a prized possession. Love is not strangling someone in a choke hold. Love is not belittling someone or throwing passive-aggressive remarks. Love does not make you second-guess your every move. Love does not verbally and emotionally abuse you or your children. This is not love.
Love is gentle, kind, and patient. Love allows you to live and be yourself. Love allows you to enjoy life and be separate from the other person, without guilt and fear. Love is relaxed. Love is far from perfect, but with love you can gently figure things out through communication and understanding. Love lifts you up when you are down and cheers you on when you have no cheer left for yourself. Love is your biggest supporter and cheerleader during the good times too. This is love.
While I grew to know these things and realize love was not what I had. I also realized my husband was not my forever man. I filed for divorce.
I am a religious person, and used to feel guilty for getting divorced, I felt it was against God’s will. Then I realized, no it’s not. I was taught God wants us to be happy, I wasn’t happy. God wants us to love and be loved, I was not loved. God’s words are “love is not jealous”, my husband was very jealous, even of our children. And then it came it to me, I had nothing to feel guilty about. I made a vow and truthfully, I kept my vow. Though divorce separates the two of us, I still have him in my life and will “until death do us part”, all because we have two beautiful children.
Many people would say to me, “hang in there you only have to deal with him until your youngest is 18 and then you’re free.” That is not true. When the boys graduate college he will be there, when they marry, he will be there, and when we share grandchildren, he will be there.
My ex-husband was in my life for a reason, a season, AND a lifetime.
The reason was to give me the two beautiful children I have. I am truly blessed with my boys. They are the most loving, kind, compassionate boys I could have ever imagined having. The season, I believe our season was from dating to the end of our marriage. The only thing we have is our sons. We share nothing else. His season, our season, has come and gone. And, he is here for my lifetime.
Things may not end up how you dream them to be. But things will end up how they are supposed to be.
Keep Sparkling ~
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