I loved him more than I ever thought I could love a man. I met him at my new job and we fast became friends. We would talk and laugh all day. Soon those days turned into early evenings via the phone and text. He would make me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe.
He was sincere, funny, and appeared to have it all together. He owned a home, drove a nice car, had a full-time job, dressed nice, smelled so good all the time and had a smile that could light up Time Square and Broadway, he was a man who took care of himself and worked out. He went to his Mom’s every weekend to take care of her and see his kids who spent the weekend with him, this told me, he was a family man. So what could be wrong you ask? I will tell you…
He had a messed up life, he was shady, he was more than I bargained for. As I said, he had a home; he was losing it in foreclosure. He had a full-time job; he had been hired as a temp so it was not forever and he hadn’t worked for 6 years before this time. He drove a nice car; on loan from his cousin. His “real” car had broken seats and no insurance. He did dress nicely; he had no money left over to pay his bills, hence the reason for the foreclosure. He loved his TWO children, that he introduced to me, he never married their mother or dated her for that matter, and he had three other “baby-mamas” for his other THREE kids!! But hey, why dwell on the bad, let’s look at the good side, his smile could light up the world and he smelled good, and he worked out to keep in shape… all day, every day.. 5 hours per day to be exact. So what made me hang on?
I loved him. I was manipulated by him. I was manipulated by his mother. My boys loved him and no matter what, I didn’t want to disappoint them by taking another man out of their lives. The boys were already having a hard time dealing with the loss of their father through our divorce.
He was my friend. We would talk for hours, laugh and have fun. He told me things he said he never shared with another and I told him EVERYTHING about me. He taught me how to trust again, and then after I did trust him, let him know my weaknesses, he used everything I had told him against me to keep me right where he needed me to be.
He was a narcissist. His smile was bright because he wouldn’t allow it to be anything but perfect, his muscles were large and tight because of course the narcissist inside would not allow room for imperfection.
He had the girl he knew could hold his life together and give him the safety and security he longed for, because he knew all of her weaknesses and how to use it against her to get her to stay.. and that girl was me.
He was manipulative. He was shady. He used me. And, I allowed it. My parents told me he was using me. My father told me. He said “wake up he’s using you!! He is polite but he is a fun person to talk to and knows how to be warm and friendly, but nice men do not manipulate people. He is manipulative and he is using you.” dn’t listen. I couldn’t see it. Maybe I didn’t want to see it. Maybe I wanted the fantasy to go on. If I denied everything that was right in my face, I could beat the odds and get him to see I was the girl he needed. After all, he told me I was a good woman, I was kind, I was beautiful, I was everything he always wanted. Then when I would question the shadiness he would tell me, “you’re crazy, you’re just like the others, you’re making things up and making me angry because you are accusing me of things that aren’t true.” When I would provide proof, I was told, “you’re being manipulative, and betraying my trust.” I was told, “I can’t believe you would treat me this way. This is why I never wanted to be in a relationship. All women get possessive.” “you are jealous and treating me as your ex-husband treated you.” It was all my fault.
Sound familiar? If it does, then let me save you years of heartache and a ton of drama. You, friend, are dating a narcissist. And, a narcissist will never be more than that. He/she will manipulate you and use you. A narcissist’s only love is him or herself.
I allowed him to manipulate me. To use me. To build up his ego while mine slowly at first then rapidly diminished. I spent countless hours trying to help him save his home. He didn’t really want it. He would undo all I did to help. Then when the foreclosure happened, he blamed me. His mother blamed me. He played on my sympathy to keep me right where he needed me to be, by telling me how horrible his two children were treated by their mother. They were neglected and mistreated. She was crazy. Yet, he did nothing to try to get custody. Later I found out he didn’t even know if they were really his. He hated this woman supposedly, yet there he was playing daddy to two of her 4 kids not knowing if he was the father? That made no sense to me. He painted her out to be the “slut” of the neighborhood, however, he kept her in his life. What does that say about him? I believed his stories, at first. Now, I don’t think she is the crazy person he said she was, in six-years I never met her, so I can’t say for sure. But, if she is crazy, I am sure he helps her stay in that state of mind.
He used this sympathy to have me take care of his kids every other weekend when he would bring them to stay with me at my home. Yes, with me, at my home. Where was he? The gym, shopping, and wherever he felt it necessary to be. He was everywhere, but at my home with me and HIS kids. I bathed them, clothed them, and entertained them. He got to rest.
I stayed with this man, second-guessing myself for 6 years. This is what happens when you are in an emotionally toxic relationship. A person uses the other, the narcissist plays on the victim’s sympathies, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and sucks the victim dry. If I dare confront him he would show his passive-aggressive side by either shutting down and going to “visit” his mother and kids for days, sometimes weeks with no contact. In fact, once when he left, he wrote a note and left it for me, saying “We have been fighting and it is making me uncomfortable. I am going to go stay at mother’s house.” He went on to say, “I know you can’t eat the chicken that was in the freezer since you are having stomach issues, so I took it. If this is an issue call me and tell me.” He took my freaking Chicken!! I was furious. I couldn’t call him and tell him to turn around and bring my chicken back that was stupid. Yet, it was MY CHICKEN! I bought it! He never paid a dime for anything in this house. Oh my God, I was dumbfounded.
When he wasn’t taking my chicken and going to his Mom’s house, he would stay here and give me the silent treatment. I suffered, my kids suffered. I see now that while he was good to my children he used them too, which is not good. He used them to get closer to me. If he wanted back into my life he would contact the kids, they would get excited and he would get his narcissistic “supply”. They would build his ego. He would them get them to talk to me, and I would cave because I was weak at that moment. I only saw my kids being happy and I didn’t want to destroy that, and he knew it.
A friend of mine asked me, “What are you holding on to this man for?” She said, “you don’t need him, you can do bad all by yourself.” She was right. The funny thing is I did badly while he was with me. Once I got him out of my life, I have been doing so much better. It was hard, I loved him. Each day gets easier. The farther you get away from toxicity, the more you can breathe. The longer you are away from the chaos, the brighter the world gets, because your view is no longer clouded.
If you are in this type of relationship I wish you the best, and I leave you with the same advice that was given to me… you can do bad all by yourself, you don’t need him/her to drag you down. As the phrase goes, “it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.” Until then…
Keep sparkling~
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