It’s funny… I always loved that song by, the Beatles and when I was pregnant for my first son that song was in my head during my labor. For those of you who do not know the song the lyrics are:
“Black bird singing in the dead of night… take these broken wings and learn to fly… all my life, I have waited for this moment to arrive.”
The song seemed appropriate to be in my head at that time. I had waited to be a mother for years. I tried to get pregnant for over 10 years. When I was told I was pregnant on Christmas eve I was over the moon, and here was the moment I had waited for all that time.
As I write this blog post tonight, I realize that song is in my head again. The funny thing is, I am writing about my first son. This time it isn’t about his arrival… it’s about his broken wings and his time to fly –
No, my son isn’t leaving the nest, he isn’t old enough for that moment yet. However, he is trying to mend his wings for a flight of a different kind.
ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Autism… I’m exhausted…The past two weeks have been quite busy and exhausting in our home. My son was caught in his school bathroom vaping. That led to me being called by the Assistant Vice Principal and having to leave work to take him for a drug test. Yep, you read that correctly, I had to leave work and take my son to be tested for drugs due to his poor decision to vape and by his even poorer choice of vaping in school. If that is not bad enough, he doesn’t get it.
My son doesn’t connect what having a vape on your person has to do with being tested for drugs. He doesn’t understand why the principal is sending his vape battery to the police to be tested for drugs. He doesn’t connect that vaping is associated with drugs, because some people fill vapes with synthetic drugs. He also doesn’t understand that “his poor choices” are what led to his being suspended. Or, that “his poor choices” can lead him down a path to nowhere quick.
I have tried to explain to him that the choices he makes now will most definitely have an effect on him later. His poor choices can delay his graduation date. His poor choices can cause him to not get a good job to support him and his future family. His poor choices can possibly lead him to not having a family later in life since he won’t be able to support one. Why? Because of ‘HIS POOR CHOICES.” OH MY GOD, I AM TIRED! I tired of saying the same things, the same words over and over again.
I have talked to my mom, my brother, my friends, my therapist, his therapist, and they have all talked to him. Yet, here I am still talking!! I feel like I would get more emotion or feedback from a brick than I do from him at times.
I know he has ADHD and it leads to impulsivity, I know I have been told by school psychologists that he is a high-functioning autistic person, and this leads to him being immature and I have to have patience with him and treat him as though he is 12 even though he is 17. But this is exhausting. It is hard. On a typical day, he appears to be an average 17-year-old. He understands so many things, he is smart, he is creative, he is funny. My son gets so many things and can function on so many levels as any 17-year-old can, but then I have these social issues. He doesn’t fit in with others in his school, yet he has friends in other towns, they are his age group and there are no issues. He doesn’t cave to peer-pressure when he is with these other kids, yet in our town school, he does. So, is it him or the school/town?
Then I see how he lies and how he is making poor choices and doesn’t connect the consequences to these choices, and I wonder is it him? Should I take everything away and give him only what I would give him as a 12-year old? My mind is spinning, my heart is racing, my digestive tract is a mess. My nerves are on edge. I call everyone I know, and they all assure me he will be fine. They all pitch in and give advice, which I accept and try. Some pitch in by taking him aside to talk to him, and these individuals like many others also assure me, he will be fine. I am always being assured he will be fine, so why don’t I feel like he will be fine?
My son is functioning with depression, anxiety, ADHD and tells me he is mentally tired. He is telling me he is exhausted by just trying to do one or two things correctly. He told me today he just wants to sleep, he can’t deal with the added responsibility of having to figure out why he lies, or why he should stop or how to stop. I know I am being told he will be fine, but I am not sure he will be.
My son has PTSD from his past with this father. I am still puzzled about where his PTSD ends, and his ADHD begins. He is an athletic teenager with executive functioning trouble and for the most part, his common-sense seems non-existent. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had discussions with him and stated, “I know when you were in my stomach, I shoved common sense into your brain… I know I did. So please take the time to dig around in there and USE IT!” But many times, I see that common-sense does not come easily to him.
He is easily manipulated by the kids and others around him. He always got along with others who were older than him or younger than him, yet the kids his age, in his school he seemed to have a hard time understanding. He doesn’t seem to know his own identity. He tries so hard to be whatever he thinks the other person(s) want him to be. I believe that comes from the PTSD. He tried so hard to be everything his father wanted, yet how does a child succeed at this? First, you are too young to truly understand this concept. Second, when your father is erratic it is hard to decipher what he wants so therefore, you really do not know what or who to be. As a child going through life at a young age it has to be confusing, to say the least when in one minute your father seems happy when you jump up and down and is rewarding you with something special, and then the next minute he is screaming at you for doing the same and breaking your toys as a consequence.
I have overcompensated for these experiences in his life. I worked and my schedule was opposite of my ex-husband’s schedule, so we didn’t have to place our children in childcare. I was always a dedicated mom. But raising a child with this complicated history makes it difficult to distinguish between, ADHD and childhood trauma. Being raised in an environment where one person is dedicated and the other is not makes things very hard. My son deserved caring, nurturing, parents. He like any other child needed the benefits of love and attention and being in a situation where this was not always the case has led to long-term mental and emotional issues and brain development impairment. My son received inconsistent care in his early years, and it has presented many contradictions in how he acts and thinks. Though it may make it harder for him to process his feelings appropriately and navigate through life, it does not mean he will never be able to accomplish these tasks.
My son may be maturing at a slower rate than others his age, but he will mature. My younger son said to me, “mom, you do your best, he will get there. We just have to make sure he stays with you until he is in his late 20s because if at 17, he is 12, then at 28-30 he will be 23-25 and by that time he will be mature enough to survive on his own.” It was at this point I realized everyone is right, he will be okay.
Mother birds allow their babies to stay in the nest until they are ready to fly. Perhaps my son has ADHD, Autism, and Anxiety. That does not mean he will not fly, it only means his wings will take a little longer to become strong enough to allow him to soar to the heights I know he can achieve. Perhaps my son has ADHD, Autism, and Anxiety. That does not mean he will not fly, it only means his wings will take a little longer to become strong enough to allow him to soar to the heights I know he can achieve.
Keep Sparkling~
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