I’ve discussed my past relationship and many times when discussing this relationship with friends the word “narcissist” has come up to describe the man I was involved with for quite a few years. In fact, the word was used so much, I adopted it and started using the term to describe him too.
Yet, there were times I would think, is this person really a narcissist? Is narcissist the correct word to use to describe him? He appeared to be a narcissist in many ways, selfish, egotistical, non-apologetic for his ways, and he definitely did not see anything he was doing as being wrong even when he knew his actions were hurting me.
We broke up two years ago for the third time. The last time he left and he did it in front of my youngest son and said nothing to him except “see you later T”. In fact, that morning I sensed something was wrong and asked if I would see him later and he assured me I would. And, I never did. I came home later that afternoon and he never did. I went to bed and found a note under my pillow. He didn’t even have the decency or respect to talk to me face-to-face. 
This led to a whirlwind of emotions. It also led to me asking myself many questions. Am I worthy? Why does this happen to me? Was he really cheating on me? I always found him to be shady but never had proof he cheated, was I right? Did he really love me? The unanswered questions re-played in my mind day after day. I always looked for the answers, longed for the answers, and yet, never received one to any of my questions.
That was until a few nights ago. My ex called me and invited me to dinner for my birthday. While we were at the restaurant he took the time to bring up how he acted while we were together. He actually stated, he had been dating someone and she would tell him the same things I did, “he was being torn in too many directions”, “he was trying to please too many people”, and “he didn’t make her a priority.” He said it hit home and hurt him. He said he was hurt because he realized it was nothing he hadn’t heard before and it was everything I had been telling him.
My ex went on to tell me how “eerily” similar this woman is to me. How her life and mine were parallel and how so many things about her reminded him of me. And to hear her say these words to him struck a chord. He said it opened a door and memories came flooding in and he realized all I had been saying to him was correct. He was awful to me. He had treated me terribly. He went on to describe memories he had remembered and how he didn’t understand why he would do or say the things he did and said to me. He said he could only say he didn’t know better and now that he does, he wanted to apologize.
In the end, he said, “I need you to know, you did nothing wrong. It was all me. You are a good woman, the best I have ever had, and you didn’t deserve anything that I did to you. You definitely didn’t deserve your love to be unreciprocated. And for everything I have mentioned I am truly from the bottom of my heart, sorry.” He then went on to let me speak and I thanked him and then proceeded to let him know he was right, and told him how hurt I had been due to his actions and at times his inactions. I described my memories of things that happened. And he patiently listened. Be careful the labels you allow others to place on those you love, it can affect how you see that person and how you treat or react to him or her. I am guilty of this. I admitted this and I too apologized for my part in our issues. And when I was done, he acknowledged that he too remembered the instances I spoke about and once again he deeply apologized. He also again stated, “it isn’t your fault that you did what you did, I am to blame. Sure it takes two, but I made you feel a certain way and you did the best you could to deal with the situation you were dealt with. You did nothing wrong.”
Before we left that night he said, he loved me, he never wants me to doubt that. He always loved me and will forever love me until he takes his last breath. That was huge! On so many levels.
So, is he a narcissist? At this point, I didn’t think so. And I (in my head) was apologizing for using that term when describing him in the past. Let’s face it, a narcissist would never admit his or her wrongdoing. A narcissist would never apologize, not a truly heartfelt apology. A narcissist would never make a conversation about someone other than himself or herself. Am I right? I thought I was… I walked away thinking to myself, he isn’t a narcissist.
And, within one week that all changed. In our next few conversations, he thanked me for forgiving him, and for the record, I never once said: “I forgive you.” In fact, what I said after his apology was thank you for listening to me and giving me the time to say so many things I never had the chance to say, that meant more than your apology.
Anyway, as I was saying, in the next week he thanked me for forgiving him, he stated how important it was for him to have “closure”. I hear this and think, “wait a second, so it wasn’t about me and what you did to me? It was about you.. of course, it was about you.”
Also in this next week, he promised to call me on his days off (Wednesday and Thursday) he never did and then made up some lame excuse like he always did in the past. That showed me: a. he didn’t mean his apology; b. he will never change; and c. he has time for me at night when he is at work and bored and has no one else to call, but on his days off he discards me like yesterday’s news.
And last but not least, he made plans to have lunch with me that Saturday and never showed up. Again, like he always did in the past. So for the next few times that he texted me, I didn’t answer. This was not like me, I would always answer, listen to his BS and suck up my feelings to avoid arguing, or having things turned on me. I ignored him for even when he asked: “Did I do something to upset or offend you?” Really?? He had to actually ask me this after he lied to me, sent two texts that actually insulted me, and then Saturday topped it all off by standing me up?”
Another week went by and he again reached out to ask if he did something to offend me. I finally replied and said something along the line of: “I received an apology and within a week everything that was in the apology all happened again.” He replied that he didn’t see it that way but obviously I did and he would no longer contact me or bother me. I left it alone. I did not respond.
That’s when I finally acknowledged to myself that everyone is correct. He is a narcissist. He is coming back “hoovering” and making sure his supply for an ego boost or whatever it is he feels he gets from me is still available. Surprise, this time the narcissist’s supply just ran dry. I thought about all the things he apologized for and how, in the end, I got what I needed from him this time. He acknowledged what he did to me for years was not my fault. He acknowledged that the disrespect he showed to me, the mind games he played on me, and emotional cheating, etc. that he did to me was wrong and he always knew I was correct in saying; I didn’t deserve the things he did.
I took time to think of his apology that he gave me just one week and three days before this moment, and I took away the fact that he acknowledged all he knew he did to me. I truly believe whether he truly wanted to sincerely apologize or not, he did acknowledge what he did to me. I see him now through a different lens. I see now that he is a damaged individual who will never truly be able to be in a stable, loving relationship. 
I have also learned through his apology that I am capable of and deserve a loving and stable relationship. I have learned my worth and will never settle again. And, that my friends, is what I call closure!
Keep sparkling~
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