I remember reading an article a while ago and it stated certain rules parents of children with ADHD should avoid.
One of the rules read: “Pushing our kids to live our idea of childhood, and participate in our idea of what kids their age should like, be interested in, and do well at.”
That rule stuck with me. When I think back and remember my childhood, I remember activities and events that set a tone of nostalgia for me and I begin to long for the summer nights of being out late with my parents and our neighbors, baseball games playing on the radio, we kids riding bikes and catching lightning bugs, while our parents talked and laughed with each other. I remember family picnics at the lake with my cousins and the Great Falls Festival in Paterson, NJ that would end every night with fireworks. In the winter we would sliegh ride with our friends and have snowball fights. No matter which season or what the weather, the kids of the our block were all outside and we were right there with them playing and making all kinds of memories. These memories are the our culture stresses to us kids should be doing. But “should” in my opinion does not have a place in the life of a child who is living with high-functioning autism and/or ADHD, nor in the lives of that child’s family.
In fact, it wasn’t until reading this rule that I realized how much pressure I placed on myself as a mother of a child with ADHD and high-functioning autism to ensure my child had a childhood that was filled with these type of friendships and memories. I struggled every day wondering how I would ever give him the memories I have of my childhood if he could not maintain a group of friends to build them with. Hell he couldn’t even maintain one good friend. I worried more often than not what his memories of growing up would be. How could I give him a wonderful childhood filled with memories like I have?
I realized now that my memories of what I “think” childhood “should” be most likely is not what a child with ADHD and autism will have for many reasons. One reason, today’s society is not like the society I grew up in when I was his age. Another reason is he is not me. He does not process things as I did. I am lucky that my son participates in sports. I know many children with autism and/or ADHD do not and cannot. However, it has been struggle for me to watch other boys shun my child, taunt/tease my child, bully my child. Yet, R smiles and just enjoys being part of any group for any amount of time he is allowed. I cannot place my fears, or my idea of what “being included” is or is not. I realize I cannot say what his experience “should” be, I can only allow him to decide what his experiences are for himself.
I have come to realize that if we push our children to do what we feel they “should” do or push them to have experiences that we feel they “should” be experiencing rather than allowing them to tell us what they would like to experience, then we are not helping or doing good-by them. I feel we are setting them up for heartache by setting expectations that may not be realistic. And, by doing this I was actually no different from those who bullied him along the way, because I too played a part in somehow damaging his self-esteem, because I was not truly embracing who he was, I was pushing him to be who I felt he “should” be without realizing I did this to him.
Maya Angelou said once, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” I now know better and I have definitely changed to do better.
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